ebbs and flows
on monday i got a painting, on tuesday i got a jury questionnaire
there are some new friends here, hi! many of you came from justina’s amazing substack
, and if you did not, please go check it out!I’ve never been particularly good at understanding the gray area. Things balancing, or landing somewhere in the middle, not being good or bad but being okay, never sits well. The closest I got to understanding was in a Buddhism class in college, and that was because they get rid of all judgment and attachment, so there is no good or bad or okay to ascribe; things just are.
When I forget that lesson, my life tends to process as a bit of a rollercoaster. It settles net positive, I’m very fortunate and generally happy, but the ebbs and flows are prominent.
On Monday, my cousin Callie, a talented artist1, came to visit me in the city. She brought a custom painting that we initially talked about years ago, and my god, is it perfect. We attempted to hang it up and the plaster crumbled off the walls quite a bit, but we finally got it up. It’s the size of my bed, basically, and right across from it, so I get to see it right when I wake up. Of course, I can’t actually see it when I wake up, because I’m quite far along on the path toward blind, but the colors and the shapes and the idea of there being a painting, made just for me, is enough.
Since then (two whole days), I’ve been excited to wake up again, to start writing and being creative right off the bat. I find that I’m really good at an early wakeup to work in the winter, but in the summer, when there’s actual light for it, the motivation evades me. The painting seems to be bringing some of that back. Good timing, as well, because there are a few terrifying and exciting things that I’ve put on my own plate to handle in the next month. I’ve written the first draft of a novel, and my edited first ten pages is due for an in-class workshop and critique (I’ve also been taking a writing class) this Friday. I decided to apply to this writing fellowship for next year as well, and they want forty to fifty pages of the novel and a statement of purpose. I am so far out of my depths here, and the risk is making me want to swim out farther, which is something I have experienced exactly zero times before. I’ve always been a cling-to-the-land-for-fear-of-what-might-happen girl.
And then yesterday happened, Tuesday. I take the bus to work, even though the subway is quicker, because the subway spikes my heart rate and my big headphones don’t mute out sound well and I’m trying to not entirely destroy my eardrums in my youth. Like I said, I’m already losing my vision, and I don’t want to end up zero for two. The bus did not work out well for me yesterday. There was detouring for fifty blocks, including my stop, and then I had a driver that genuinely, truly, wanted to hear the life story of every person who walked onto that bus. Which is sweet, if not for all the grumbly New Yorkers around me who just needed to get downtown to work, don’t dilly-dally.
A few months ago, I did jury duty for a week. It was a great experience, and I would highly recommend it for anyone even slightly intrigued by how this country operates. Yesterday on my USPS Daily Digest2, I had a letter from the courthouse and I was expecting, finally, my paycheck ($40 / day!) for my service. Instead, the federal court wanted me to fill out a questionnaire to see if I could serve jury duty for them as well! I probably won’t be summoned, given that I just served, but it is deeply disheartening to expect a check and get a mandatory governmental questionnaire instead.
I’ve been wearing my Oura ring a lot lately, and yesterday I walked the 3.35 miles home from work and then built a lamp and did household chores and so I did all the movement it asked of me, despite having nine hours of latent time in meetings. And I’ve been sleeping well. I’m proud of both of those things. I’m going to walk home from work again today.
Even with just two days under my belt this week, and going in for a third (it’s starting great! I’m writing this!), it feels like I’ve felt all the good and the bad that a regular, fortunate life has to offer. And it may not be entirely practical to feel as much as I do in each ebb and flow of the day, or the week, but I am finally coming to accept it as a strength3. Finding the gray area and the middle ground could be nice, but I love feeling my own and everyone else’s joys and sorrows along with them, the stress of bus detours and the inspiration of a new work of art and all.
I don’t do this a lot, but I’d love for you to like this post if you liked it, share it with friends if it hit a nerve. Big feelings are cool. Love you lots.
If you need any art, check her stuff out! She does custom! It’s amazing!
A daily email that has a scan of all the mail you’re getting and any tracking numbers for any packages arriving to you via USPS soon. It’s my favorite thing in the world.
I’ve checked with my therapist, so I know I am correct.
you are my favorite !! and the painting is stunning